Hey Mama,
Thank you. Thank you for being the most amazing mom. It sure has been difficult without you here. I think about you constantly, I don’t need little extra reminders of bumble bees or yellow flowers because I know you are always right here. But all I have wanted lately is to hear your voice, get your advice, and hug it out.
So much has happened in these past few months that I’m barley afloat. But the only reason my head is still above the water is because of you. It’s because mama didn’t raise no bitch. It’s because you taught me how to be strong even when it hurts like hell. You may not of even realized you were teaching me. But I saw you every day, you were always the one that made everything seem perfect. I knew our family wasn’t perfect, but it sure felt that way because of you. I learned from you that when it’s tough you have to keep going. And even though you are gone now I am still learning from you. I learned that asking for help is one of the most embarrassing and hardest things to do, but it’s OKAY to do it. If we ask for help then I won’t end up in a situation like ours.
You fooled me mom, you really did. That last relationship of mine I always thought you liked the guy. It wasn’t till we broke up and I went back to VT and everyone told me you didn’t like him, but you never told me your feelings. I know it must of been hard for you to bite your tongue. But that’s how I grew, if you would of told me I wouldn’t of grown. I had to learn that lesson myself. So thank you again for being that amazing mom that let’s me learn my lessons the hard way so I really learn. While in that relationship I thought it was great, but now looking back I see so many similarities between your marriage and that relationship. So many double standards, name calling, lies, put downs, etc. After a few months of you being gone, I was doing a lot of reflecting on me, myself, and I. I wasn’t happy and realized I hadn’t been for a long time. I saw me being you, pretending in front of everyone that we were great, and I saw him as dad being nice one minute then yelling at me the next because I left a coffee cup in the sink for the day. The cousins told me, you said you thought you failed as a mom because you taught me to love a monster. Guess what mom? You did the opposite you taught me to realize that I wasn’t in a healthy relationship, to have self-respect and get the fuck out.
Getting out of that was hard. I have more of an understanding of why you couldn’t just get up and go when I would ask you to. I wasn’t even married and all that other shit like you and it was still hard to move on physically and mentally. When I tried to pull the cord I only thought of the good things and how it could work because when it’s was good, it’s was good. But the good was the minority of the relationship I had to face the facts. I tried to semi-start life all over. New place, different town, but same jobs and same area. It wasn’t enough to get out of this toxic relationship. I started to receive nasty messages, my friends started to receive nasty messages, I was being stalked at my work, letters left in my door, etc. If this were to have happened a year ago I honestly wouldn’t of thought anything of it. Now that I have experienced first-hand what someone who doesn’t have control will do to gain it back, I didn’t take any chances. I was scared, mom. Everyone was scared for me. Within a week I had all my shit packed up (thanks to our awesome family), quit my job, and relocated. It totally fucking sucked. I loved my job, and yea I wanted to move eventually, but I wanted to do it on my time frame. But again I owe it to you mom. Thanks, for helping me realize that safety is the first thing I needed to worry about. I would of probably just brushed it off until something more happened but because of you and the advice of family and friends I took the safe option.
The hardest part about all of this is I don’t have you to go to. You are my person and you’re not here. I don’t have your protection, advice, help, etc. I don’t mean to sound like a stubborn two year old, but god damn you are the only one I want right now. I don’t want a friend of yours or relative of ours. I want you. I need you. I’m fucking LLLLOOOSSSTTT mom. Ever since you left a huge part of me was taken, but I thought I would have some of me back by now. Yet, I just keep losing more. I use to be this outgoing, funny, confident, social, laugh it off, go with the flow kind of person. Now, I feel like I’m in a trap. I’m in a trap because I know the girl I was and want her back, but I can’t get her. This past week I was with Brit and we kept joking that we switched roles. She was DEFINITELY the loud, bubbly, loose lips, chatty Kathy, fun to be around girl and I was just there. I just wanted to be on her level. We have so much fun when we are both on the same happy level but it was so hard. My body was there and I was trying to be present but I just felt so absent.
Now that some time has passed I feel as though everyone thinks I should be pretty much back to normal. But in all actuality mom, I’m more depressed now than I ever have been about your death. Which probably plays a big factor of me feeling physically present and mentally lost. This depression comes from realizing you are really gone. Accepting you are not on a vacation. You are gone forever. So many changes are happening so quickly and I don’t have you to be here with me. It’s a reminder of how rest of life is going to be when you’re not here for the big things and even the small things.
Ever since May I feel like I have either aged 50 years or I’m 12 again. Learning more about finances, estates, lawyer shit, court systems, etc is where I feel like I added the years. But I feel like I’m 12 in the fact that I have failed. I picked up my shit and left, I have no sense of the person I am, I’m super fucking moody, yell at people who don’t deserve it and cry. It’s just not fair. It’s the only way to put it. These past few months have sucked. And they suck extra because I don’t have you. But I get up every day, (sometimes not till 12) but I get up and try to keep going forward. I hide my tears in the shower and then keep going along trying to be that strong girl you taught me to be.I know the advice you would tell me. I know what you would do. But I just want to hear you say it.
All in all mom, thank you, thank you, thank you for teaching me how to suck up the pain and keep going because eventually one day it will be better. I hope these shitty days get less and I learn the new normal of not having you here sooner than later. I love you mom.
Sending a hug to heaven for you.
Love you the mosterestesttest,
Your Baby Girl
Fly High My Angel Fly High
Back to Bailey 